yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
