Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize