i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
