I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
