I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
