That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
