I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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