i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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