do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Say something about gay babies.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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