Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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