found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
being pregnant is like rehab
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
