We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
