Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
