So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
