Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
