I think my vagina is haunted
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
