The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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