Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
