so explain again why im purple
no
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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