I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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