I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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