i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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