Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
