some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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