i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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