his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
