hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
