i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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