The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
