I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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