Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
