I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
