I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
