You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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