Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize