dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
