i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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