Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
