I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
