well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
