Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize