This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
