You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
