Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
