Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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