Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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