Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
