I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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