I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
