this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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