Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You pole danced in your parka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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