I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
