i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think your dad took our porno
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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