Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
