This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize