Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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